It’s been a week since Gabi Grecko was fired by Mark Bouris and Team Fearless are all still in mourning.
The implications were a little fuzzy but she may have been sold to GE Money at the end of last episode.
None moreso than Tegan Martin and Esther Anderson, who have both decided to go out on the town dressed as flashers memoriam of her. Meanwhile The Dream Team are happy they won the previous challenge, and in a bold strategic planning session that took hours of thought and rumination to articulate, they collectively decided that their strategy going forward is “win again”.
“Celebrities are good at living on their wits.” – Mark Bouris, Episode 1
But none of that has a leg up on the Richard Reid v. Blake Garvey juggernaut that popped up in Episode 1 and continues to now. Richard thinks there’s a little bit of bad blood between himself and the guy who he raked across the coals last week in spite of winning the challenge. He mentions that Blake gave him a “death stare”.
Although what Richard was doing down there I have no idea.
“Richard‘s someone that I feel that I have to watch my back around,” Blake says, narrowing down who will be eliminated this week to two people without any effort whatsoever.
They all receive Bouris‘ Text of Doom and are told to head down to the harbour, where there will obviously be an exciting challenge in store for the celebrities who survived this episode. Will it be:
Deep Sea Fishing?
Yes, unless Bouris has decided that he’s selling the cast off to privateers, we’re doing something boring and giant boat themed.
“DO YOU RECKON WE’RE DOING SOMETHING ON A BOAT?” Tim Dormer asks, as I fill out my daily Hangman puzzle.
“I KNEW I SHOULDA WORN STROIPES!” Sophie Monk yells, welcoming her way back onto my screen again.
“Out of everyone, I would love to beat Blake,” Mel says.
“Yeah yeah get in line.”
Bouris wanders onto set with Kerri-Ann and Shelley and upon seeing the 11 Celebrities cancels his plans for the rest of the week. Hiding the champagne and beads, he makes up something about the celebrities becoming tour operators for some Sydney tall boats where they have to provide customers with First Class Customer Service, as Kerri-Ann runs out to the road and waves away the Party Strippers van.
Yadda yadda yadda tickets and tips, blah blah blah retaining business, womp womp womp customer service, and the teams are set loose on Sydney to organize and hold a boat tour of Sydney Harbour, where they use their contacts and people from the street to organize everything including catering and ticketholders.
“I actually don’t like boats,” says Gina, who only came to the harbour with gigantic heels on which, while potentially hilarious to see stumble about at 30 plus knots, could also see the next season premiere of Real Housewives start with an In Tribute for a Housewife who drowned at sea and that’s not a nice thing.
Luckily the crew are there to provide generic white flats and also some moments of actual content for once this episode, as she protests the act of being filmed while putting on shoes, as she doesn’t want her feet filmed. Unless she is afraid that her feet will gain minds of their own and hunt down whoever has seen them like some sort of alien aberration, I’m not sure what the big deal is. Then again I’m neither female nor a celebrity so you do you Gina.
Well…try at least.
Over on The Dream Team, Blake is declared Project Manager and gets to decide everyone’s positions. Richard volunteers to be something called “Two Eye See”, which makes it sound like he’ll be the only one left at the end of the tour with two eyes, or maybe that’s just the worst pirate name known to man. Instead he chooses Matt Cooper to be his “Two Eye See”, which Tim helpfully chimes in with informing everyone that it means his Right Hand Man, so…thanks Tim*. He also goes on about how Richard Reid really annoys him, probably because he doesn’t even have to try to get camera time and Tim has to do things like ‘TEAM UNICORN’ or blatantly lie to the audience instead of backing up his claims with actions. Or something.
*words never uttered on this blog, ever.
Blake puts Richard in charge of the catering because stereotypes, and then helpfully informs him that it doesn’t matter if it’s cheap, apparently having missed the “First Class Service” part of the memo, which will be a recurring thing for their entire efforts this episode so be prepared. James and Geoffrey are put onto sales with Blake himself, and Tim and Matt join Richard on catering. Tim once again tries to make a scene about Geoffrey‘s book only for Geoffrey to quietly rebuke him, so 5 points to Slytherin.
Because come on, what other house would he be in.
Meanwhile at Team Fearless, due to it being an “entertainment” task, Sophie is declared Project Manager, and her first act is to call Matt Moran for catering, but as it turns out Sophie‘s brother’s friend is also named Matt Moran so slight awkwardness slash adorableness ensues.
“Oi am such a loser, I can neva try an’ be cool cuz it just backfoires,” Sophie laments.
After Sophie‘s faux pas, Mel & Esther head to
Woolworths the supermarket to get food for the tour, spend a lot of time in the Deli section, and as such will probably produce high-class not-cheap food for the tour. They even slay the action shopping portion until the last second, where Esther turns up to the register and finds out they’ve lost the money, which as someone who’s done that before let me tell you is my American Horror Story version of hell. So her reaction of running around like someone gutpunched her and stole her baby is completely in line with reality. JSYK.
But luckily a helpful
Woolworths supermarket worker finds the money and everything is fine, except for Mel going on about how Esther doesn’t handle pressure well, which is probably foreshadowing or something but seriously THAT IS A COMPLETELY NATURAL REACTION?
Anyways while that happens, both teams’ sales sections are off selling tickets for their cruises. Blake, James and Geoffrey are advertising their ticket as a pirate cruise, which doesn’t really scream class to me unless Miss Elizabeth Swan is on board but what do I know I’m not a celebrity.
James highlights the one problem with their team setup:
“It was challenging selling to the public when one of the people who approaches you is a seventy year old man in bright yellow.”
Yes I can see how that would be a sales killer.
Tegan, Sophie and Gina head off to deliver the One Ring to Mordor or something rather than making sales around the harbour area, because God knows I want to be dragged out to the Sydney Harbour while having work lunch in the CBD, but then again what do I know I’m not a celebrity.
Luckily Gina sets up her own office on a park bench and brings in donors and ticket-holders her own way.
The way of expending zero energy whatsoever.
Sophie assaults some joggers:
“WOULD YA LIKE TA COME ON A CRUISE MATE?”
And Tegan‘s clothing falls off.
Why, what did you think I meant?
All in all a successful day.
Speaking of successful, let’s go to those who never were – Richard, Tim and Matt are all shopping for “treats”, as Blake casually reminds us that Richard stuck his hand up for catering despite not 10 minutes ago seeing him stick his hand up for second in command but then again I’m not a celebrity I don’t understand their confusing lingo.
Richard proceeds to become a trailblazer in the LGBTQIA+ community by completely fucking up the catering, collecting bananas, ‘crackers’, cheese, hummus, watermelon, apparently having confused “First Class” with “First Grade”. Tim does nothing to help the situation by retrieving the ingredients for fairy bread because Tim‘s entire schtick is a grown man pretending to be a child and it’s getting a little obvious now. It also prompts this look from Matt, so:
Yeah me too Matt.
As Team Fearless organise their guest list, The Dream Team get into pirate costumes because they’re actually going ahead with this, on a First Class boat, with actual donating people.
Top notch Project Management, Blake.
Also I would be remiss if I didn’t grab this other hopeless look from James summing up the whole thing:
To the team’s credit they (read: Geoffrey) managed to secure some high-paying donors for the cruise. To Geoffrey‘s discredit, he apparently was on the phone half the time to Gabi, but any time that a vastly superior cast member is mentioned is a-okay with me. He then dons a pirate costume and calls himself Jack Sparrow, because he looks like Johnny Depp.
Team Fearless finally settles on a theme – Sexy Nautical Sailors!
I can totally get behind that.
And as such get all the tickets as their customers pile in. Richard compares their customers to Team Fearless‘ and notes how their customers were classy. “Not that there’s anything wrong with our customers, but their customers had mooooneeeey.”
‘We had poor people, they were so godawfully poor!’
Before they set sail with their donors and
hostages members of the public, Gabi Grecko decides that not even being eliminated last week will stop her from showing up on the program and announcing she’s now married to Geordi La Forge.
Gabi that is not how you do the hand sig-never mind.
The Dream Team‘s tour starts off with Tim mugging for the camera five minutes straight, as per his contract with Channel Nine, and has to serve Fairy Bread, Cheese-on-a-Toothpick, and Red Cordial on a First Class Service Ship around Sydney Harbour, so I’m currently winning this battle in my mind between us. Blake also blames Richard for volunteering to take control of the catering, which is not a thing that happened but okay Blake.
Team Fearless on the other hand serve prawn cocktails that sell out and has a refined string quartet playing in the background and a few people with monocles chortling politely so GEE I WONDER WHO’S WINNING THIS ONE.
Back on the pirate vesssel, Tim goes in on Blake via confessional about how he’s not taking care of the team and is instead going off and socialising. Which, fair enough, is a good thing to do for customer satisfaction, but perhaps one who is Project Manager should be more focused on task and money goals, LIKE I DUNNO NOT MAKING YOUR FIRST CLASS CRUISE A PIRATE THEME WITH FAIRY BREAD, BLAKE.
“I feel that’s one of my strengths, talking to people, listening to them-”
Meanwhile, Richard has an embolism and falls off the boat.
Back on the classy string quartet vessel, Esther has gotten drunk and is now straddling a cannon singing Cher. Which honestly I’ve done in the past three days so no judgement on my behalf Esther. However, those shady editors try and throw her under the bus by taking awkward reaction shots from the start of the cruise when the ship was still anchored and pass them off as reaction to Esther‘s hilariousness. I SEE HOW YOU WORK EDITORS.
And if that skirt were any shorter I’d see how Esther works as well.
In order to prove to us that you can have classy entertainment and still be interesting, Gina takes the microphone and talks about herself, her show, her work, her Earthwide Best Selling Autobiography, and supposedly a range of interesting subjects because the crowd seemed to like it. Which isn’t as outright hilarious as Esther but that’ll do, Gina.
Back on Pirates of the Cardialgia, Tim decides to moon Tony Abbott’s house, which would make for some topical reality TV show water cooler talk if it was still topical. Better luck next time Celebrity Apprentice! As much as I loathe to give Tim credit it is rather shrewd thinking for a pirate themed boat and goes perfectly with it, so Five Points to Hufflepuff! (Let’s face it, the biggest Hufflepuffs are those who call themselves Gryffindors, and Tim already grew the lion’s hair to cover that up).
BUT DO THEY HAVE SELFIES WITH GINA LIANO?
I THINK NOT!
So now it’s off to Bouris’ Skyscraper of Doom for another BOARDROOM!
Once again, the wall is the smartest on-the-spot thinker of the entire cast.
Mark decides to once again prove he’s the only one taking this show seriously by talking about how the Boardroom is his domain, and how important it is to him, and yadda yadda yadda insert Joan Rivers here.
Mark asks Sophie about being Project Manager and how she’s an “entertainer”, which is a weird euphamism for someone whose starring role is in a Seltzer and Friedberg movie but whatever.
Blake attempts to throw Geoffrey under the bus for providing a full list of contacts for the tour somehow, whilst Gina commends Sophie on “managing me well” for letting her sit back and make her phone calls. I’ll make sure to use that some time.
Mel starts to talk about how the tour started to turn into “The Gina Show”, which is then repeated three more times, and the only thing Gina says in response is “it happens.”
Once again, Game Over Moles.
In spite of Mark Bouris trying to drum up drama over Gina taking over the show, Sophie, accompanied by Shelley (who’s supposed to be taking Mark’s side here) both praise Gina as an exceptional hostess with the mostess who kept the group together. When Team Fearless don’t immediately start stabbing each other in the back again Mark tries harder by DEMANDING THAT SOPHIE NOT BE POLITE. Gina tries to speak up on her own behalf only for Mark to LITERALLY PUT HIS HAND UP AT HER like she’s at a job interview or something. She reacts appropriately.
No Gina, Thank YOU.
Once again Mark tries to stir up drama by making things sound chaotic, when Gina taking control was the result of shrewd adaptive thinking rather than outright lack of leadership, but once again what do I know I’m no businessman slash media mogul.
Thankfully they turn their attention towards something that actually did fail, ie The Dream Team‘s tragic menu.
“Did you take it seriously?” he asks the team who served Fairy Bread with a pirate theme and mooned Tony Abbott’s house.
He then rakes Blake over the coals for not answering his questions correctly, and invites Richard into the discussion for his thoughts on Blake as Project Manager, and James once again has the facial expression for the entire audience.
Well, we all know what’s going to happen now.
Mark complains that the food that wasn’t eaten was wasting his money, which may mean a lot were Mark a struggling family of four and that was his shopping budget for the week rather than being a MULTI-BILLIONAIRE, so it all comes off rather rehearsed. To rub salt in the wound regardless, he compares their menu to Team Fearless‘, who served Prawn Cocktail, Antipasto, Salmon Crostini, Cheese Platter, and Pavlova.
I wonder how many ways you can say “Game Over” in one episode?
Then comes the entertainment section, where James has to inform Mark Bouris that Tim mooned Tony Abbott‘s house. Being one of the only halfway entertaining things on the entire tour Mark of course objects and says he would have thrown Tim Dormer overboard, because they’re representing Mark Bouris and once again he forgets he’s on a show called Celebrity Apprentice and the show started out with an American woman with orange hair throwing a hissy fit in his shipping yard and tearing up his products.
Team Fearless of course jump on the stunt as disrespectful whilst Tim interrupts Gina to defend himself, facing no opposition from Mark because reasons.
In a move we all saw coming from a mile away, Shelley reveals that Team Fearless completely and utterly trounced The Dream Team in donations, grabbing fourty thousand dollars to Dream Team‘s six. When it’s broken down it’s even revealed that Tegan herself brought in nine thousand and Gina brought in twenty thousand dollars.
If you look at this long enough, you’ll see the “Insert $1 To Play Again” tag come up.
The Queen Rejoices!
After Team Fearless leave, Mark‘s fragile masculinity comes to the foreground and he frantically interrogates The Dream Team as to HOW THEY LOST TO THE WOMEN. He tries bringing up the mooning again but the entire male team has doubled down on it because a) the customers loved it, and b) it was actually funny (YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO SAY THIS). Mark, still under the delusion that a one-time pirate cruise headed by Tim Dormer is representative of his entire business, fumes silently.
Never one to let sleeping dogs lie, the blame shifts back to Richard for the catering, which devolves into a showdown between Two Trashy TV Titans.
But Mark for some reason focuses on Geoffrey as a reason the task fails/alternate boot and yes that might be true but RICHARD VS. BLAKE MAN, PRIORITIES.
Blake chooses Richard (duh) and Geoffrey (?) to come back in with him to the Boardroom.
blah blah blah Geoffrey donation stuff, but Richard ropes Blake into it by pointing out the complete lack of direction Blake showed as Project Manager. Blake says that Richard is only in there with them because he made no sales. Richard starts off blaming Blake for letting the group flounder, Blake blames Richard for not seeing past his last week’s grudge, Richard blames Blake for not making him Two Eye See, Blake blames Richard for not doing a good job on the catering because he wasn’t made Two Eye See, Richard admits that did a terrible job on catering, Blake admits he did a terrible job on Project Management, Richard sets out to invade Belgium, Blake sets out to invade Denmark, Richard orders the extermination of all the Gagauz people, Blake orders the extermination of all the Faroese people, Richard sends nuclear warheads to Mars, Blake sends nuclear warheads to Venus, you get the idea.
“Did I leave the oven on?”
Despite having raised a whopping three hundred and fifty dollars (!), Blake loses the battle of attrition with Richard when Mark decides that it’s time for him to be fired
And Richard takes it well.
The two return to the room of waiting celebrities, while Blake is punted out as a mere second boot.
Any last words Blake?
“I wonder if I can grow a moustache and woo back Sam.”
Join us in Episode 3 for more unlikely rivalry action!
- Gabi Grecko
- Blake Garvey
In spite of the Richard vs. Blake rivalry defining the first two episodes of the show, there’s very little to say about Blake – he was wholly critical of everything Richard did, he reacted to everything with little more than vacant surprise, and to top it all off he never even took off his shirt, rendering his entire casting on the show pointless.