Sorry for the lateness everyone! As of this writing Episode 6 has already aired but it’s about time we catch up with everyone’s ‘favourite’ ‘Australian’ ‘Celebrities’.
We begin Episode 3 of our Celebrity Free-For-All with some random occa radio announcer commentating on the day for some reason, and then join Team Fearless as they’re being chauffeured to their next challenge, as Esther Anderson talks about her fears for the upcoming challenges.
“I think in this challenge, my biggest struggle might be just finding my place within the group again.”
I dunno, this is a pretty good place to be in.
“IT WAS A BLOODBAAATH IN THE BOARDROOM, AND BLAKE, BEGONE!” yells Richard Reid immediately rounding up last week’s Boardroom with Blake, upon the conclusion of which he was immediately liquidated and his remains scattered all over the room, or something.
“Now as a team let’s move on, no drama!” says Tim Dormer, upon which the universe uses all its residual energy to prevent itself from going supernova from the hypocritical irony.
Meanwhile as it turns out that random occa radio announcer is actually Recap Favourite Sophie Monk, who for some reason is on The Kyle and Jackie O Show rather than actually heading to the challenge, and while The Dream Team contemplate how this means Team Fearless will be one member down, I’m more concerned about the fact I’m going to have to go about half an episode without getting a screenshot of Sophie gawking or smiling at something and that’s just as important, let me tell you.
Anyways, the 9 Celebrities show up to a gym where Mark Bouris is wailing on his assistant for the day, due to being 5 seconds late with his morning coffee.
“I SAID 8AM ON THE DOT! AND NO SOY!”
“It’s true, he said 8am!”
Anyway, many of them realise that *gasp* it’s actually Mark Bouris boxing! It’s almost as if he invited them there in the first place or something! They all applaud him as though it were in any way a fair fight while said assistant sits in a fetal position in the corner. As the medics come in to put his dislocated joints back into place, Mark informs them about the challenge for the day, which is to take over a gym, build a fitness program, put it onto DVD, and market it. So basically:
CELEBS IN TIGHTS!
Esther is excited because her whole work life has revolved around fitness and health or something but I got distracted by a rather interesting piece of lint on my clothing so I missed the rest of what she said.
Tim gloats about how they have it in the bag because they have Matt Cooper on their team, having completely forgotten about the fact that this is a business and marketing challenge so having an athlete on your team means exactly nil. But it easily points to a Dream Team downfall so I’m all for it.
Mark reminds Geoffrey Edelsten that he promised he would bring in big money this episode, and also that the other girls ganged up on Esther for her actions, which are once again hilarious but since Mark Bouris doesn’t seem to share my unique sense of humour (read: he has none) she’s probably on thin ice.
Anyways, they all head back to their War Rooms and Tegan Martin announces that even though Esther has a background in gym, she’s taking this one because she wants to win it, which begs the question as to what other competitions she’s pushed her competitors out of the way in to get the victory.
MISS UNIVERSE AUSTRALIA, EVERYONE!
Also, guess which blog favourite FINALLY shows up?
THANKS FOR FINALLY JOINING US!
Gina tells Tegan that with the money they can raise, they’ll definitely be safe.
“I’m not into going to the gym, so I think it’s great that the girls have actually stepped up and said ‘I really wanna do it’ ’cause I really don’t!”
Once again, the extent of Gina‘s exercise.
They notice that there seem to be fights going on in The Dream Team‘s car. Richard is suggesting they cater to the jazzercise crowd because that’s still a thing in 2015 apparently, which Tim helpfully and offensively points out is “fifty-year-old gay men”, then balks at him that it was a joke when Richard got offended, telling him he needs to relax.
Well it took all of five minutes to want him gone, that’s definitely a record!
Me too, Richard.
“GEEZ MOVE OVER BLAKE, I’M THE NEW VICTIM AM I?” Tim loudly asks, acting as though he hasn’t just been provoking Richard for the past several minutes or something, because that’s how he does.
Anyways, since this is a fitness challenge, the War Rooms will be at a gym, because reasons.
That image is definitely not appropriate for prime-time television.
On Team Fearless, Tegan once again reiterates that she’s stepping up as Project Manager, while Mel Greig piles on Esther in confessional for not putting her hand up and playing it safe, so the tone of the episode has once again been set five minutes in. She then in the human realm puts forth the name “Pump It with Celebrities”.
Gina wakes up from her nap with retrograde amnesia, forgetting who she is and everyone else in the room is and asks “Why celebrities?”. She is promptly ignored because Tegan puts Mel back in her place by reminding her that she is Project Manager.
“If you win a beauty pageant, you know how to ninja people in the face,” Sophie reiterates.
Or throw shurikens at them.
Back on The Dream Team, Matt is the Project Manager because reasons, and immediately sets expectations low when he announces that each celebrity should only bring in five thousand dollars.
CONGRATS ON YOUR VICTORY, TEAM FEARLESS!
But don’t worry, Geoffrey‘s supposed to bring in fifty thousand, an amount which for sure he will bring in with no trouble whatsoever. The rest of it is boring fitness stuff during which I went to the kitchen and emptied a box of chocolate coated Oreos so I can’t really talk about it too much.
Back on the much more interesting Team Fearless:
Yes rather than taking it super seriously like Mark Bouris clearly wants them to, they’re going full-on 80s, while Shelley stands in the corner, glares, and looks disapprovingly at them.
Meanwhile, Esther utilizes her wealth of interesting ideas and unique perspectives to come up with the idea of…prancercising.
Yeah I don’t get it either.
However, if you stare at this long enough, it is said you will achieve Nirvana.
Because the girls are only Reality Television insane instead of Retirement Home insane it is immediately shot down. Esther then talks about how difficult it was finding her place within the team.
Once again, Esther…
Gina laments that Esther has focus but is a gentle soul, which is code for “is a nice person who will get eliminated sooner rather than later because gentle people don’t make good TV” but once again this is a Mark Bouris production and we all know how allergic he is to fun. Gina then calls the girls “buffalos fighting against a gazelle” and I might have to dock her a few points because fat jokes against Sophie will not fly here.
Over on The Dream Team, it turns out “fifty thousand dollars” actually means “more or less than half of that” so Geoffrey could only bring in 18k.
WINNER BY A LARGE MARGIN IS!
The Dream Team celebrate anyway, making fun of Gina‘s black book and aiming to make her cry in the next boardroom, but then Gina responds to the obvious producer question with “I don’t feel threatened by Geoffrey‘s black book because Geoffrey hasn’t seen mine”.
Man how many times can this game be over in only a few weeks?
But less of Gina owning everything existence, more squabbles about poster placement! Their posters for advertising can only have three of the celebrities on them, and while Tegan just wants the three instructors, her/Sophie/Esther, Gina points out she has 100k followers on social media who won’t “connect” with the promos unless she’s on them, especially since out of the girls “[she’s] the only one that’s on television at the moment”.
Yeah about that.
Tegan still wants to be on there but Mel helpfully points out that they’ll have to sacrifice one of the “popular, well-known people”.
“Nobody knows who you are, Tegan, in fact I thought you were just a production assistant until you got in the lycra.”
Tegan tries pointing out that she has a lot of young girl followers and they’ll actually show up, and they aren’t the old creepy men that are Gina‘s followers, and the score is now 15-40 to Gina. But Gina gets the spot on the flyer anyway so it’s Game, Set, Match, Liano.
Back on The Dream Team, James Mathison is marketing manager and his big idea for advertising their team was “put it everywhere”.
The director shows up and Matt and Richard both start filming their video, which equates to Richard order a half-naked Matt around while the camera operator captures everything, which hey, is how I’d want my directorial debut to go as well so props to you, Richard.
But because Tim can’t stand a scene not involving him, he decides that Richard is up to no good and invades the set to start some boring drama which I won’t deign to cover because it involves Tim once again needling someone with micro-aggressions until they get angry and there’s an entire series of Tim doing that on Big Brother.
So take this instead.
Back on Team Fearless, Esther scores a sponsorship from Target and lands some headbands that Mel fails to get, so the logical conclusion from Mel is that Esther is a lazy weak link.
Back back on The Dream Team, Richard scores a sponsorship from Nandos chicken, since fried chicken is of course the first thing you associate with fitness and exercise. Since Richard has officially achieved more sponsors than Geoffrey, Geoffrey decides it’s time to escape – TO THE MATT-MOBILE!
The day of the challenge finally arrives and all their DVDs and posters and flyers are ready – Matt wants Geoffrey to focus on getting his donors, while Sophie seems to have taken on literally everything in the challenge.
“I need an assistant. I shoulda used Esther.”
Tegan also draws in many, many donations and she jumps around like a small child who has just downed several liters of Red Bull.
MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY
They also get a full class of donors and friends and customers and gee I wonder who’s winning.
But not even an easy impending victory can stand in the way of over-excelling, so Mel and Gina both head to the streets to sell more tickets and Mel screams at everyone who passes by like a woman on her way back home on Kings Cross at 3am.
“Where am I, the fish market?” Gina ponders as she slays yet another character with her words, scooping up selfies with passersby and selling tickets like hotcakes.
Meanwhile, The Dream Team look upon their kingdom and…
With half their donations having not turned up and nobody in the actual gym, The Dream Team also head to the street where they have considerably less success, especially since James has the streetside sales abilities of a Jehovah’s Witness trying to learn all the phrases the cool kids are learning.
Also he does this.
But then A CHICKEN ARRIVES!
PRAISE THE LORD A GIANT CHICKEN! MIXED MESSAGES!
and then esteemed Hollywood actress Carol Channing shows up and…oh.
You don’t want those raspberries.
And since you, dear reader, have come to this blog to follow the life and times of Celebreality stars I will not bore you with an extended recap of the actual fitness routine but the highlights were:
- James tries to do a pushup.
- James sprays a guy in the face (no not like that).
- Matt has a gigantic Mother Mary tattoo on his back.
- Tim did nothing.
Meanwhile, Team Fearless do aerobics and:
- Sophie improvises a whole bunch of moves that seem more at place at a dance club.
- Gina‘s major contribution was handing someone a bottle of water and their lost sweatband.
- Nobody in the entire class has correct sit-up posture and will probably all suffer from terrible back pain tomorrow.
Also some DVDs are sold on both sides, it will definitely affect the outcome nil.
INTO THE BOARDROOM!
As the celebrities walk in, many of them have been wondering all day how to represent Yttrium best on the Periodic table, and once again the wall provides an answer.
Is there anything it can’t do?
The secretary with the comically oversized Mac sends them into the Boardroom, yada yada yada, and Mark begins his weekly interrogation, wanting to know how Matt did in the challenge. Matt thinks he did well, but Kerri-Ann is helpfully by Mark‘s side to instead pull a scythe out and neuter Matt right in front of Australia, calling him “disappointing”.
Welcome to Prime Time, bitch.
Same question goes to Team Fearless, where Tegan announces she did put her hand up, where she reveals her main reason for becoming Project Manager was a) having gone to the gym most of her life, and b) wanting to also neuter Matt Cooper right in front of Australia.
I love all of these women.
Mark has to double check that everyone agreed with Tegan being Project Manager, which wasn’t asked to the men’s team because The Patriarchy. Shelley rebukes several hundred years of institutionalized sexism though by pointing out that Tegan was a “dynamo” of a Project Manager.
Matt is then put through the ringer for his wonderful lack of foresight in asking all the celebrities to raise five thousand, upon which Tim gleefully throws him under the bus because gameplay has consumed Tim‘s entire being.
Mark recieves a text message, telling him the million dollar donation from Lucy Addario and Channel Seven has come in, and decides now is the time to put the girls under fire for not utilizing Esther.
Because who can forget her stellar contributions.
Tegan says that “the one move that Esther gave, I didn’t like so I…kinda stopped it there,” which is a perfectly acceptable answer when Esther‘s only contribution was a parody YouTube sensation nobody had ever heard of. Meanwhile, the LSD tablets that Esther took before heading to the boardroom finally kick in, and gives a largely different recollection of events in which she shouted out thousands of life-saving ideas which were all shut down, rather than one very poorly explained idea nobody liked. But of course since Mark sees Esther as a well of untapped potential for some reason he takes her side, grilling Team Fearless on why she wasn’t utilized the way that would make his pre-destined story for Esther work.
Sophie kicks in, pointing out “It wasn’t like I put my hand up and went ‘I’m Jane Fonda’ or anything, I just knew I had all that handled”, which she did, but Mark has decided to gloss over the fact that Sophie held the only successful popular exercise class that day in favour of making Esther the poor me victim.
Mel gets dragged into this and points out that nobody actually knows what Esther‘s strengths are, or why she’s there, or why she’s even on the show when she has no conviction or confidence whatsoever. Mark recieves another text message from Lucy Addario, promising a night on the town with Samara Weaving, and then tries to launch into Mel for not lapping up every idea Esther puts forward. He tries hectoring her on not taking up her ideas, asking why they don’t cut through, and Mel even has to point out that this:
Only idea Esther had.
Of course this all gets to Esther and she starts to tear up, and since Esther isn’t attacking Esther Mark lets her get a moment to herself to collect herself. Once she does, she very validly points out that Mel wasn’t even in her group, and Esther even filled in for something Mel couldn’t do in her own group so Mel had no place to be talking. Mel rebuts this by pointing out that Esther played it safe once she locked in her substantial donation. Mark tries to make this a thing about how Esther can’t possibly have no conviction in her ideas yet become strategic with her gameplay, acting as though the two ideas are mutually exclusive.
Eager to once again push women back several hundred years, Mark asks Shelley about what she thinks of “females in business” and “all that”, and Shelley also recieves a text message from Lucy Addario, promising a walk-on role in 2016, and also pretends that Esther actually had good ideas, while planning a scything once the boardroom is over. Gina once again points out that Esther is the gentlest person in a group of lunatics and that makes her the easiest person to point a finger at.
Honestly it’s amazing she came out the other side with all her limbs.
Meanwhile Matt reveals that he thinks Esther does have good ideas, because apparently just about the entire population of Sydney was in Tear Fearless‘s War Room that day, and Mark lets Esther know he doesn’t pick weak people.
But it’s all for moot anyway because while The Dream Team raised a hefty $65, 559, Team Fearless raised $85, 233, once again winning the challenge completely unpredicted and out of nowhere and paving the way for an actual interesting winner this season.
Could this be our Final 5 please?
Yada yada yada, they obligatorily mention the charity stuff, and Team Fearless are sent back into a room with all the women who threw Esther under the bus and a bunch of alcohol, because open the wounds and pour champagne over them, that’s healthy.
So in spite of being the less drama-filled group, The Dream Team have to send someone home because the universe loves its little jokes. Matt is once again raked for only putting a 5k minimum on the donations while Geoffrey is pointed out as having not raised anything near what he was promised.
“I think that if I was no longer in the team, the boys would struggle to raise money as I raised more than a third of the total, and with the greatest respect it should be taken into consideration.”
In other words, ‘tough shit if you lose me, boys’.
Geoffrey also tries to add something when he’s finished speaking but like Gina last week he gets shut down. Unlike Gina though Mark doesn’t go out of the way to block Geoffrey out with his hand because Geoffrey isn’t one of those scary women in business Shelley has to warn him about.
James‘s role in the marketing team gets brought to the table, since all he did was flex at people in the street and try to drag unsuspecting victims into a gym session with Geoffrey Edelsten.
James: “We were on the Footy Show, Tim was on social media, we were exposed to seven hundred thousand people on social media-”
Mark: “How many people turned up to the gym?”
James: “…about fourty.”
It’s at this point that James turns into a reaction of himself.
Mark asks who brought “the chicken people” in, and as thousand of people are about to write a furiously worded complaint to FreeTV Australia for slurs on national television Richard adds that he brought Nandos in and keyboards are stayed. Richard says they got five thousand from Nandos, which Mark then points out is not a lot to have their mascot appear on television, so The Dream Team in essence got outsmarted by a giant chicken.
Not their finest hour.
Matt ends up bringing James, head of marketing, and Geoffrey, head of Slytherin House, back into the boardroom, keeping Richard and unfortunately Tim safe for the week. Mark asks Matt and James if they think they can win the show. Matt, as someone who hasn’t become privy to the edit he’s been given, says he can. James says he thinks he can, because he’s learning (?). The whole question ends up being useless because Mark singles out Geoffrey for falling through on his donors and subsequently fires him.
But not before Geoffrey gets the final word in:
“Five minutes to go before closing time I had over fourty five thousand in pledges, and was let down, but…you learn by these mistakes. 🙂 ”
And then this happens.
So in one of the most negative, personal episodes of the entire run so far, by far the least relevant person goes home, leaving everyone still there to stew for longer. But for now we say goodbye to Geoffrey. Any last words?
“I could have just sworn I saw Gabi driving the other way.”
Join us in Episode 4 for more hardcore business action! Also a star goes down!
- Gabi Grecko
- Geoffrey Edelsten
- Blake Garvey
Has there ever been a more bizarre casting choice for a Celebrity Reality Show? Geoffrey Edelsten may have once been infamous, and his forays into relevance with bombshells a third of his age still keep him in infamy, but when he eventually got to the show he fell into a doddery old grandpa role with the occasional good one liner. His post-firing burn of Mark Bouris should remain legendary though, even if Geoffrey won’t be remembered himself.