Survivor Autopsy Episode 2 “Standing Ovation”


Apparently Jennifer’s luxury item was a noose.”

-Mark Kalzer

Final First Reaction

I’m going to call it now, sorry guys. I might not be doing pre-game predictions and rankings for Survivor 33: Zika Virus Island. It’s not because your support hasn’t been amazing, or that I haven’t loved writing them, or even that they didn’t catch on or were hard to do. No, I’m going to call a moratorium on writing pre-game predictions on a published website because… goddamn, I think I might be cursed. I think I need to stop while I’m ahead, because I might have singlehandedly retroactively cursed Kaoh Rong.

My winning streak continues- my #4 strategic bet and my #3 favorite pre-game character, someone dangerously close to being my winner pick, not only left, but perhaps had the latest burial scene in Survivor History. I am thinking as hard as I can and I can’t remember if anyone ever entered TC set to receive zero votes only to be voted out. Sure, Janu may have entered TC ready to quit, but no one targeted her. Stacy Kimball opened her mouth and got idoled out but she was still getting at least two votes and a possible idol that round. This is incomparable, and it’s nice to say that thirty-two seasons in, even at the cost of one of my favorite characters.  

I honestly don’t really have words- this will be a shorter article than usual. Still, I think it’s clear that Jennifer Lanzetti leapt into Survivor history last night. For one, there’s the fact that in episode one she was the heroic bug conqueror, and then episode two where we realize the bug might have still eaten a few vital wires in her brain. At Tribal Council, she made an errant comment about how there were a lot of plans up in the air. Considering she was in an alliance of four against the world’s literal most obvious boot in human history, this made some heads turn. It was a pretty rough comment to make, and she let slip a lot there, but then… sadly, she kept talking.

She dug her hole deeper and deeper with the paddle she was supposed to use to get out of shit creek, eventually getting so desperate she jumped on her Tribal Council stool like the obvious Tom Cruise joke. Clearly overselling it and growing as desperate as possible to convince others she never thought of flipping, it just got her expedited out of the game as Jason reacted with immediate force. While her friend Scot couldn’t find it in his heart to counterstrike, Cyd, Alecia, and Kyle were all it took. Inexplicably, Alecia continues to exist in the tribe, and it’s kind of amazing.

The Autopsy

Pity The Living



A friend of mine aptly described her as Becky 2.0. She says so much but I swear to God I don’t remember any of it. She cried at one point, which I can’t give her crap for because it’s Survivor and if you’re not going nuts by day five you’re not living. Still, I can’t give a single bother about her- she bores me to tears.


Speaking of curses, I had Neal as #2 on my character list. He seems cool in real life but on the show I wouldn’t mind that curse coming true.


Oh, lady. I still can’t get over just what a perfect blend of crazy she is. The editors are just lovingly crafting everything about her. If you know a little of Debbie’s background, well, she’s not exactly an angel. She was convicted of fraud in a matter related to unhealthy water- basically, a lot like the Flint, Michigan crisis. So, trust me, I screamed in horror when she got a confessional mentioning that she knew what messed up water looked like, but that’s freaking insane genius at the hands of the editors. I also love that when she sat out to cheerlead at the challenge, she kept the freaking pom-poms she had at the beginning of this episode. She’s the perfect loon.

Joe- I’m currently unsure how to feel about him. I think his frustrations are understandable, and Liz really isn’t as great as she thinks she is, but he did come off as a little harsh? It wasn’t super nice, but it also wasn’t nearly as bad as some would tell you. He lost his temper a bit and then Liz cried, but we had an entire episode of Jason to compare to, so there’s no way he was that awful.

Peter- This season’s resident Tyler Frederickson. The cats comment was obvious, yet still pretty funny. Looking forward to him being a distraction to the win.

Aubry- Invisible? Not fair!


Julia- I like her, though I can’t say why. She’s just neat. She’s one of the three girls in the alliance but she doesn’t feel like an outlier or the dumb kid, just another of them. That’s cool.

gUtJd (1)

The kiss thing wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was, and as it stands he seems to be genuinely redeeming himself. People like him, they’re not as focused on his idol crime. Speaking of which, dude’s onto something with nearly grabbing it, too bad they tried their best to make the idol “You Must Be This Alpha Male To Retrieve”. Tons of fun as usual and I don’t see that ceasing.

Anna- Continues the grand tradition of “gets the most confessionals and airtime in Episode 1, disappears in Episode 2, and really should be dropped from edgic altogether.” This distraction has happened with Kelley W., Carolyn, Keith, and many more in recent years and has not at all paid off. I reckon Anna will be important. I don’t think she wins.

Nick- I really love CBS for taking the ultimate tryhard and saying “okay, even this is too fake for us, get lost, you get no airtime”. And if you watch his secret confessional it’s clear to see why. For the first time ever, a producer has to step in and cue Nick on how to give the confessional. Yikes.

Michele- In a season where no one looks like even a half-decent player most of the time, Michele probably still wins if only by default. Because lol everyone else.

Caleb- Many would tell you “the meatheaded white guy becoming friends with the gay guy” storyline is a pile of faux-progressive condescending crap. I do agree to an extent, the gay best friend thing is a little condescending and is a clear attempt to make Caleb look better. Still, this is way more tolerable than I ever could have dreamed of Caleb being so I’ll take what I can get. He actually handled the kiss situation with a lot of class.


Scot- I oscillate between finding him bearable due to the fact that he does seem to operate a decent bit on emotion, which I appreciate from a strategist type, and finding him obnoxious for enabling some awful behavior.

Cydney- She handles herself pretty well and I respect that.



I can’t even add anything, thanks Jason for making my job easier.


Every time Alecia inexplicably survives a Tribal Council an angel gets her wings. She’s a star, with a beautiful mix of adorably rootable spunky underdog and absolutely incompetent embarrassing player. Still, I actually want her to succeed now, especially in the face of the trio of condescension who still only learn her name to write it down, which literally everyone in her tribe has now. I hope she makes it to a swap and decimates the unlikable trio.

My First Final Thoughts

To Tang is on its way to the most unfortunate boot order ever, and if Alecia goes it’s basically confirmed. I think that even with Jennifer’s suspicious outburst it was stupid to not vote out Alecia on Jason’s part, but I also think ignoring her, alienating her, and treating her like she has one brain cell maximum is going to make her flip. Hell, the way they treated Alecia made Jennifer consider flipping, do you think that Alecia’s gonna stay? Jason’s ego screwed his game up, which I can’t object to, but instead of easily neutering the trippy ally and getting rid of the catalyst, he votes out an ally just to show who’s boss. Jennifer messed up big time, but I say Jason didn’t make anything better.

We saw some buildup on Chan Loh to the eventual battle brewing between young and old, and there’s a good chance Peter could also be a catalyst to flip in the hopes to goat Debbie. I’m not sure who we’re meant to support in the argument between Joe and Liz, possibly both or neither. Either way, it’s murky enough for suspense. And over on Gondol, sunshine, rainbows, and happiness as Tai and Caleb have their first honeymoon. Hopefully things end up more like Gondol and less like To Tang.

And, of course, peace out to Jennifer. It was a rough go with a pretty embarrassing end but that’s still more than even the gamebottiest of endgamers can ever hope for. And it was certainly more entertaining than anything Nick tries to do. Here’s your honorary intro shot.





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