After four years of laying in sleep, believed to have been dead, RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars is back, ready to destroy everyone in sight. Even after the lukewarm-at-best response to the first All Stars, a new one has been clamored for since, well, basically since Season 5 ended. So here we are, another season of Drag Race, in the same year as the breathe of fresh air that was Season 8.
And the episode starts out promising.
With giant Alyssa Edwards threatening to destroy the city.
I always knew this was how it was going to end…
After Alyssa levels an entire metropolis, we get introduced to the Queens of the season.
First is Katya, wearing basically the same Russian Bisexual Transvestite Hooker outfit she did on her season, only now without someone calling her a filler Queen.
God, I missed you, Katya…
Next up is Detox, shown here in her pajamas. But more importantly than being introduced to Detox, we get introduced to Detox’s new look in boy mode.
Hey! Watch it! No need for the finger! Not my fault you decided to become a living lemonhead.
Next up is Alyssa, now shrunken down back to regular size to participate in the show. After revealing her new look, which Detox points out was her old look plus a cape, Alyssa runs to check on the mirror, and ignores everyone else coming in.
No, seriously, this is how Alyssa decided to look for her boy mode confessionals.
Next is the most exciting member of the cast, Phi Phi O’Hara, seen here dressed as generic, inquisitive supervillain that she has no copyright to.
You know, of all past contestants to take a nod to, Dax Exclamation Point probably wasn’t the best. Your thoughts, Alyssa?
Next up is Ginger Minj, who echoes the audience’s thoughts by screaming “come on, All Stars, let’s get this… over with.” Afterwards, she hugs Katya, saying the line of not only the episode, but arguably of the season:
“Good to see ya, diarrhea”
I want a cross stitch pillow with that line on it.
Next up is Roxxxy Andrews, a presence so unexpected (and unwanted), that it even causes Alyssa to turn away from the mirror. She says a lie about how she would attempt to not be the villain this time. We’ll see how long that lasts.
The six current Queens stand together, noting that there’s already quite a few Season 5 girls in the cast.
I KNOW RIGHT. WOULDN’T IT BE REALLY DUMB IF HALF THE CAST WAS FROM SEASON 5.
Speaking of which…
Next up is Coco Montrese, living her Doritos realness. Brought back to fight with Alyssa, of course all wind comes out of that sail when we learn the two have buried the hatchet. So, sadly, now it looks as if Coco doesn’t have a point in being back (aside for being the one African American Queen that will return Logo’s calls…)
Coco talks about her custom couture look.
“Made in a garage”
Nice to see Roxxxy living up to trying to be a nice girl for all of seventeen seconds.
And next up is the fifty-second (and thankfully last) Season 5 girl, but at least this one is an actual All Star. Yep, it’s Alaska!
Alaska comes in in her new, trash bag gown, taking a nod from the All Star that should be, Chi Chi DeVayne.
We’re also reminded that this happened.
Next up is Tatianna, all the way from Season 2. If you don’t remember, she was the one to do the better Britney Spears impersonation than the actual, paid one from Drag Race.
Or, if you’re like me, you’ll remember her for calling Tyra a bitch.
Basically, Tatianna isn’t anyone to mess with. If you do, she’ll stare at you with her crazy, psycho eyes.
Let that haunt your dreams, as it has mine.
Last but not least is Adore, introducing herself as a messy slut. After being told by the producers that Logo would probably want a better introduction, she questions if she has to insert something about fried chicken and big dicks into her intro.
God I love Adore.
Our All Stars.
Or, rather, seven All Stars and some filler.
Now that all the girls are together, they think about what is going to happen. Tatianna jokes about having teams, which can’t be possible, as bringing back that dumb twist would cause the cast to all kill themselves.
No one is sure what is happening, until…
“SHE DONE ALREADY HAD HERSSSS!!!!!!!!!”
Alyssa: “I’ve been hearing that in my dreams.”
I as well, Alyssa. And I usually wake up in a cold sweat afterwards.
RuPaul shows up, in the amazing high budget green screen we expected from Logo, telling the girls that all of them are special, and that there are no filler Queens of the season. Basically, telling a giant lie to make better TV.
After that, the Black Pewee Herman comes out to introduce himself to the cast. Thankfully, we haven’t reached the point of Drag Race where everyone screams at the top of their lungs at the presence of the host like in America’s Next Top Model. Though I’m not holding my breathe it won’t soon become mandatory.
RuPaul explains to the girls that he will not be eliminating anyone this season. What he isn’t saying right away is that instead, the best girl of each week will be eliminating one of the bottom girls of the challenge. This is a twist so shocking, and so unpredictable, that every single trailer for the season spoiled it and ruined any suspense.
Nice job, Logo.
Wanting to keep the season alive, the producers decided to go ahead and burn through all the recurring challenges of the seasons past, starting with the reading challenge. Don’t be surprised if next week is Snatch Game, and the week after is a makeover challenge where they have to give drag makeovers to straight guys or tired working moms or something.
The editing tells us that Coco is the worst, meaning she’s probably going home first. Sorry girl.
The winner of the challenge is Alaska, mostly because she dropped the fifth Laganja Estranja reference of the episode (I have omitted most of them, for your sanity), and because five is Black Peewee Herman’s magic number of the episode, she wins.
Alaska celebrates by rolling on the floor.
After this, we’re told that the main challenge will be the RuPaul’s Drag Race Talent Show, and that the Queens will have to come up with a talent and perform it in front of the judges and a live audience.
We’re then treated to the usual scenes in between the mini and maxi challenges, of the Queens bullshitting around, figuring out what to do.
Roxxxy doesn’t have talent, so she tries to sap the talent from Detox via hand holding. Nefarious.
Adore tells us she’s going to sing, and calls herself America’s Sweetheart, comparing herself to David Cassidy.
It’s a match!
After the Queens do the fun stuff they want to do, the producers then tell them to talk to each other about what they want to accomplish during the season.
In a totally not scripted scene, Alaska asks the two returning villains, Phi Phi and Roxxxy, if they want to be redeemed. Roxxxy admits to being a terrible person to Jinkx, and says that she won’t do it again. Phi Phi, meanwhile, admits that she is a bitch, but that there’s other sides to her.
This is why I appreciate Phi Phi more. She’s honest about herself now. Roxxxy claiming she wants to change after already making a comment about Coco is laughable. Phi Phi knows who she is, and would much rather be honest about it.
We’re also reminded that she dressed up as a pony.
Upon hearing this, Katya tells us that she’s more interested in winning than her public perception. And that she will be a fucking monster this season.
Now it’s time for the talent show.
RuPaul walks out, finally embracing her inner grandma.
Next is Michelle Visage, wearing the same shirt your middle-aged aunt would wear to go on a fancy night out.
You can not tell me she isn’t wearing sweat pants under the table.
Next is Carson, brought back because, well, the check cleared.
I see he’s also trying to match Tatianna in the crazy eyes contest.
Next up is new regular judge, Todrick Hall.
Shown here, wondering why he signed up for the show. Todrick tries to be the worst dressed of the episode, but boy mode Alyssa has already beaten him to it.
Last is guest judge, Raven Symone. Or as RuPaul calls her, “Raven Sy-moan-yea.” I don’t think she’s ever been called this, and RuPaul is just dicking with her.
The talent show starts, and we begin with Adore, performing a self written ballad. While Adore isn’t the greatest singer in the world, she can control an audience, and still has the ability to find the pitch easily. Overall, only one person in the audience doesn’t like her performance.
What a shock.
Next up is Alyssa, who’s talent is apparently “variety.” Considering she bombed the last four challenges she was in of her season, I find this hard to believe. So, how does it start?
Oh… oh my.
Alyssa starts her show with a RuPaul puppet, that you wouldn’t know was RuPaul is Alyssa didn’t say so. You would think she would at least get the skin color correct.
Thankfully, after this, Alyssa starts dancing, the one skill we have sussed out that she actually has.
Next up is Coco, who like RuPaul, has decided to embrace her inner grandma. She does an old Hollywood style dance that quickly becomes boring and played out.
Everybody’s reaction to the dance number
“We all make choices. That was a choice”
Tatianna and her crazy eyes aren’t impressed, and neither is anyone else really.
Next is Detox, who has the labeled talent of singing, but who is instead lip syncs her own heavily auto-tuned song while banging on an unplugged electric drum set with glow-in-the-dark paint on it.She at least covers his ass with it, so she will be safe (I guess).
Next is Ginger Minj, who sings a her own song, but unlike Adore, does it gospel style. She quickly causes everyone to raise and sway their hands. and even Detox holds a lighter up for her.
Though those eyes tell me she’s not exactly fully aware of the situation.
Next is Katya, who performs gymnastics, while also doing her best impression of a Silent Hill enemy. Because it’s Katya, everyone loves it.
Next is Phi Phi, who chose to sing Acapella. And while she isn’t too far away from Adore and Ginger in singing ability, her choice of excluding music leads to her falling off key.
Detox isn’t impressed, but then again, she lip synced her performance, so who knows.
Next up is Roxxxy, who performs a decent, though after awhile boring, burlesque show. Despite being rather dull about half way through, the crowd loves it.
As does Detox, though that might just be from seeing a nearly naked Roxxxy.
Next up is Alaska, who unlike Adore and Ginger, can’t sing. Instead she speak-sings a song about being a mean Drag Queen. Like Katya, Alaska could have just stood there and did nothing, and she still would have been safe. There was no way they were eliminating her.
Last is Tatianna, who steals the entire show with her spoken word poetry. Her poem, “Same Parts”, wins over the entire crowd, and the viewing audience.
My reaction to Tatianna.
Afterwards, RuPaul brings back all the girls, and explains the twist we all already knew about: the top two Queens will compete for a lip sync for their legacy, and will win ten thousand dollars. She will also eliminate one of the bottom Queens, and can do so for any reason.
Michelle acts shocked to the news she had to know.
Katya, Alyssa, and Detox are all deemed safe. Now it’s time for the judging to begin.
We start with Adore, and instantly Michelle lays into her. Starting with the back handed compliment that she didn’t hate her hair, Michelle lays into how horrible her outfit is, and doesn’t want to hear that it’s part of Adore’s aesthetic. Naturally, Adore shuts down after this. She’s been here before, she knows Michelle hates her drag, so no use listening to her.
Not wanting to leave well enough alone, Michelle then screams at her for not caring. Adore correctly points out that no matter what she does, Michelle will hate it, so she won’t bother listening to her.
Michelle seemingly breaks down from this logic, so we move on to Ginger Minj. She was told that she sung beautifully, but that her outfit caused it look like she had a camel toe.
Ginger takes this as a compliment.
Next is Phi Phi, who is told that her singing, while at times perfect, needed some work.
Michelle briefly reactivates to tell Phi Phi she hates her dress. Raven counters this by saying she liked it. In response, Michelle shuts back down.
Next is Roxxxy, who is told her show was exciting and fun. The judges complimented her on lacking talent, but having charisma.
Gee, good thing this isn’t a talent show, because then not having talent would totally matter!!!
Next up is Tatianna, who impressed the judges on both her look and her performance. She (rightfully) gets the highest praise of the episode.
RuPaul then asks her if she was cinched. When Tatianna replied that she wasn’t cinched that much, RuPaul gives us this classic line.
“I’m going to key your fucking car.”
Next up is Coco, who is told that her dance was boring, and too old timey.
Grandma Coco will put a boot in your ass.
Last is Alaska, who is told that her song was funny, and that her outfit was killer. Really, as much as I like Alaska, you get the impression she probably should be in the back with the other three.
After this, we’re told that Ginger and Alaska are safe. The top two are Tatianna…
This means that the bottom three are Adore, Coco, and Phi Phi. That’s right, Adore is in the bottom of the challenge, and 98% of that is Michelle Visage’s pure spite for her.
After this, all ten Queens go to the back room, trying to figure out who to eliminate. Everyone is clearly depressed.
Meanwhile, at the judging table:
The judges are laughing and joking about how cruel this twist is. If they don’t watch out, giant Alyssa Edwards will kill them all.
She’s on the attack!!!
In the backroom, Adore is crying because she doesn’t get why Michelle hates her, and frankly, I don’t blame her.
She’s clearly upset, after Michelle had come after her again, and is frustrated that no matter what she tries, she can’t get her approval.
This, boys and girls, is why Drag Race fans hate Michelle Visage. Her critiques often become flat out bullying, she clearly plays favorites, and won’t accept any form of Drag that isn’t what she’s used to.
By the way, we learn in this scene that Bianca del Rio, who is very protective of Adore, helped her pick out that outfit. RuPaul, tell Michelle what Bianca is going to do her when this episode airs.
“Key your fucking car.”
The Queens go back on the main stage, where Roxxxy and Tatianna must now lip sync to see who decides to go home.
And man, for a huge deal like All Stars is, I bet they have an amazing classic for the girls to lip sync.
Despite the lackluster song, Tatianna does amazing at the lip sync. She is in constant motion, does some amazing moves, and basically slaughters the stage.
My reaction to Tatianna:
Roxxxy, meanwhile, is dancing like your old, fat aunt at a wedding reception: stand somewhere, shake your ass, move to a new spot, shake your ass, move to a new spot, and shake your ass.
On this five point scale of impressed, I feel about Roxxxy the same way Alaska clearly does.
So, naturally, Roxxxy wins the lip sync.
Because of this, Roxxxy decides which one of the three girls should be eliminated. And while I have given her a lot of crap this episode, she makes the right choice and eliminates the actual weakest contestant, Coco.
Grandma Coco won’t be leaving Roxxxy cookies anytime soon.
We then get the usual “cast dances while the eliminated contestant tries not to have a breakdown” montage.
Speaking of dancing like your old fat aunt…
Coco gives a speech about how she’s still an All Star, but that’s when she gets a special message.
Horribly green screened RuPaul tells Coco that this isn’t the end, and she’ll have a chance at revenge. Seems like a Redemption Island/Second Chance Kitchen type of twist, which is good, because this season didn’t have enough twists.
Grandma Coco hears this, and starts plotting how she’ll slip the arsenic in Roxxxy’s cocktail.
Next week, on Drag Race All Stars 2:
Katya says something no one understands!
Alaska will say “anus.”!
Roxxxy will still be called a filler Queen!
All this, and more, next time!