No joke, this is the first thing we see after the opening theme.
A promising start.
So the girls come back from the main stage, after Phi Phi has been eliminated.
Curious, because god who wouldn’t be, the girls rush over to see Phi Phi’s lip stick message.
“I wanted to avoid hugs because of tears.”
“Do I believe Phi Phi’s excuse for why she didn’t hug Alyssa?”
After that moment of awkwardness, Detox reminds everyone that Roxxxy is somehow still here, and how glad she is of that.
Sorry, Detox, you’re pretty much on your own there.
The next day in the workroom comes, and everyone starts to realize that now there’s six girls instead of five.
Katya expresses her sadness (?) that there are now more Queens than last week, and how this season doesn’t feel like it will ever end.
God knows most of us want this season to end already…
RuPaul comes out and tells the girls that today will be a mini-challenge.
Yeah, remember those? That thing we only did in episode 1 of this season? Bet you thought they were dead.
Yeah, I hoped that too.
So out come the pit crew, and…
“What the fuck?!“
So… the… I guess challenge, is what we’ll call it, involves the girls using long, scrotum-like apparatuses tied around their waists to hit balls under six pairs of legs, and whoever gets it into the hole fastest wins.
“What the fuck?!”
I really don’t know what else to say, other than show you pictures.
RuPaul won an Emmy hosting this shit.
Somehow, Alaska wins. Because… sure.
Now that those ten minutes of my life are gone forever, it’s time to get to the maxi-challenge.
RuPaul explains that today’s challenge will have the Queens creating merchandise based on their character, and try to advertise it to people.
Honestly, this is the most useful challenge the show has ever had. Merch is how most of these Queens make a living, so it’s refreshing to see the show be more realistic about the future of their careers.
And I realize this is the same show that five minutes ago featured the Queens hitting golf balls around with a giant scrotum. I said the show was being more realistic, you have to grade of a curve here.
So the Queens are given a giant basket of props for their commercials.
Fake mustaches, pregnancy tests, and orange soda. The basics.
Also, I’m like 80% sure those are brown-haired versions of the dolls used for Mackenzie Zales.
Alyssa reveals to Alaska that she’s making her own energy shot.
Alaska tries it.
A ringing endorsement!
RuPaul comes down with some guy from CNBC, to assess the Queens and their marketing pitches.
First is Roxxxy, who explains her product is a wig glue. When asked how her product will be different and be the one everyone wants, Roxxxy can’t think of a good reason.
Good job, Roxxxy! Thank god you’re still here…
Katya is next, who explains her product is some sort of spray that, when made contact on the skin, will cause a rush of endorphin that will lower your anxiety and calm your mind.
I’LL TAKE TWENTY CASES!
Sadly, both RuPaul and the CNBC guy think it’s a bad idea. I guess they’re more old school and prefer their downers to be served the old fashioned way.
Tradition once again getting in the way of progress.
Tatianna shows that her product will be a tea set, for sipping and spilling tea.
Or, as it’s more well know, talking shit.
As you can see, the CNBC guy is clearly impressed, and isn’t wondering why he’s on the show in the first place.
After this, the girls start shooting their commercials.
Michelle and Carson are on hand, clearly excited about watching the contestants whore themselves out right in front of them.
First is Katya, who asks the most important question.
“Is that a turkey!?”
Next up is Detox, and her plastic, shit-talking trash can.
Can you guess which one is which?
Alaska comes up to show off her product, body tape.
She finishes her first bit, and then runs over to film the next.
“Alaska, how many shots are you doing?”
Alyssa takes the moment to quickly film an episode of Alyssa’s secret while everone else is filming their commercials.
Roxxxy is comes up and… what the hell are you wearing?
Look, Roxxxy, the one thing you have going for you is that you know how to dress your body. Nothing is less flattering than a flowing jumpsuit in beige.
From this moment, however, we do get the funniest part of the episode.
“I can even show you how to do a dramatic wig reveal.”
Even Carson loses it seeing her try to take the top wig off, only to expose the second wig sliding back so far that you can see her real hair.
Tatianna calls someone a bitch. Well timed, but nothing can beat Roxxxy failing to do a wig reveal.
Now to the main stage!
I question RuPaul’s dress here, but I adore her huge, blonde wig. She’s had better, but also far worse.
Michelle attempts to look sexy and seductive, but instead looks like a grown woman dressing like a goth fourteen year old.
Carson is here, but hardly present. He seems to be in his happy place at the moment.
Todrick just took sprayed himself with an entire case of Katya’s product, and now is much happier to be here.
Last is guest judge Graham Norton, who wasn’t able to secure his own case of Katya’s happy spray, and now wishes he did.
Now for the runway.
Roxxxy comes out in her disco bell-bottoms and hair.
It’s decent, and look average. It’s a basic look. Meaning it’s perfect for Roxxxy.
Katya comes out and kicks the ass of everyone else. Her make-up is phenomenal, her hair is perfect, and her outfit is amazing.
Less amazing is Alyssa in her Joan Collins-inspired look. Dynasty is the perfect show for Alyssa to take inspiration from, but compared to the one that came before, it’s not as exciting.
Detox pulls a Roxxxy, and goes for a pretty, but mostly mediocre look.
Alaska comes out to show off the thirstiest wig she has.
Not to be completely outdone by Katya, Tatianna finishes out in her T-Boz look, including a Waterfalls-inspired dance.
She’s only had four looks this season, but all of them have been amazing.
Now we get the commercials.
First is sadly Roxxxy, who unfortunately doesn’t use the blooper from before in her real video. Instead she shows herself intentionally snatching herself bald.
Note to all entertainers, intentionally making a mistake is never going to be as funny as actually making one. If Roxxxy was smart, she would have used that blooper as a “Does this happen to you?” moment, instead of forcing it like above.
Next is Katya, who fully captures the feeling of anxiety, and then confuses the shit out of you.
Much like Katya, it’s confusing, over the top, and no one understands it. And it’s also amazing.
Alyssa, who we are suppose to buy as both president of the company and of the United States, does a decent job of selling her energy shot.
She’s at least honest that it’s most likely that this would happen to you.
I honestly want Detox’s trash-talking trash can.
“I’ve had it! Officially!!!”
Alaska does her’s in this… number. I really don’t know what to call it.
Oh, Alaska… pretending that you’re rich…
Last up is Tatianna, with her T-set.
Sadly, it’s not quite as amazing as Katya’s happy spray, but of the commercials, it’s by far the best presented.
We learn that the top two are Katya and Alaska. And the bottom two are Roxxxy and… Tatianna.
The girls go back to the backroom, to discuss who should go home. A tough choice, between the multi-talented, intelligent Queen who knows delivers great TV, or the mediocre one who was in the bottom three times before.
Tatianna spills her guts to Katya, and really, this picture shows the problem with her being in the bottom two. Tatianna had a decent commercial, and her runway look this episode was killer. It’s obvious which one of the two are the worst of the week between her and Roxxxy.
Speaking of which.
“Hey, Alaska, you’re gonna save me again, right?”
Anyway, back to the main stage.
I do question the choice in lip syncs songs sometimes. Not as if Cherry Bomb is a bad song, but what gay club has ever played for a Queen to lip sync to?
In any case, the Queens are pretty even.
And the winner is… Alaska.
Alaska starts rationalizing and explaining who she should send home.
“One of these Queens has grown so much. And she has shown versatility and talent.”
“But the other one let me borrow this top.”
That’s right, Alaska sens home Tatianna.
And yes, for the fourth time, Roxxxy has been in the bottom, and has been saved. The only other Queen who has been in the bottom four times is Coco Montrese in Season 5, and she went home the fourth. Meaning that when (not if) Roxxxy is in the bottom, she will set the new record.
Way to go, Roxxxy!
Next time on RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars 2:
Roxxxy will be saved again!
More winner edit BS for Alaska!
Tatianna comes back to slit Alaska’s throat!
All this, and more, next time!