Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race.
“I’m bringing in a 14th Queen.”
Last episode we learned the shocking twist (that everyone already knew about) that a past Queen was going to be returning and competing in Season 9.
And who is this past contestant?
“HELLO MIS AMORES!”
Oh… hi Cynthia.
“Would you like to see my cucu!?”
So yes, Cynthia Lee Fontaine, season 8 contestant and Miss Congeniality, is back to compete with the other season 9 girls. And as you can tell, everyone is thrilled.
The face of enthusiasm.
The Queens head back to the work room, to talk about to recent developments.
Cynthia talks about how she has a new lease on life now being in remission from liver cancer.
Of course, the other Queens aren’t as happy to see another contestant suddenly join.
“So you’re not really back, right?”
“I’m back in the competition, baby!”
Yeah, clearly the other contestants aren’t hiding their frustrations.
“If anyone is going to go around screaming cucu, her ass better be better than mine.”
Oh please don’t tell me they’re gonna show….
God damn it, show…
So the next day in the work room comes, and you know what that means.
SHE DONE ALREADY HAD HERS!!!!
Green screened RuPaul tells the girls that they are all winners. Except for thirteen of them, who will be losers.
Well, she’s not wrong.
Fun fact, that’s RuPaul’s actual hand.
After this, we get a much more pleasant surprise.
I’m Eureka right now.
RuPaul talks about how awesome Lisa Kudrow is, and how he says “Hello Hello Hello” because of her character, Valerie from the Comeback.
Good to know RuPaul admits he’s not that original.
And then… she leaves.
Yep, all those advertisements that were shown that imply Kudrow would be a judge for the episode were all for not, because she isn’t even on for three minutes before she leaves.
Phoebe is out, peace!
Hope you enjoyed that two minutes, because this is Drag Race, and that cameo was most of the budget.
After she leaves, RuPaul explains that they’re challenge will be a cheer-off, and that the girls, divided in teams of two, will face each other in cheerleader drag.
Like this, but without the implied rape by the main protagonist.
Also, the challenge is called “Queer Cheers”, which isn’t the name of the episode, strangely.
I’m with Farrah, this name is ridiculous and lame.
RuPaul chooses Nina Bo’nina Banana Fofana Flowers Tammie Brown, the winner of last week’s challenge, as one captain, and Cynthia as another.
The team captains choose their teams, where we get the episode’s first awesome moment of shade.
“Well, I love an underdog, so I pick Jaymes.”
Even Eureka thinks that’s too far.
I mean, someone at least must take Jaymes seriously, right?
“Nice for her to give to charity.”
How you feeling, Jaymes?
Last chosen is Valentina, presumably because she’s only been doing drag for less than a year.
“I may have been chosen last, but I will show them I am the most beautiful.”
Way to keep positive, Judy Funnie.
With teams chosen, they break off and start practicing.
Nina’s team begins assigning roles, while under the constant, terrifying eye of mannequin RuPaul.
Jaymes is finally brave enough to stake a claim, and say that she wants to be the floozy cheerleader. And it seems everyone is fine with it.
“I wanna be floozy.”
God damn it, Alexis.
While this is happening, Cynthia’s team goes out to practice their routine.
I mean, how hard can this be?
Someone is going to die this episode.
Surprisingly, no one gets injured during the practice.
“We are feeling the fire, we are feeling the burn, to win.”
“Although the burn might be something else,”
After practicing, Cynthia’s team goes back to the work room to work on their costumes.
Kimora is having a rough time because she’s not used to making her own costumes, instead
she buys them custom made for her.
To add on to her cluelessness, Peppermint mentions that she has to find her bloomers.
Kimora mentions that she is only going to wear tights, and just work the Barbie doll anatomy look.
Because tights haven’t screwed her look up before.
While this is happening, Nina’s team is practicing and…
WHY IS CHARLIE GETTING THROWN? HE’S GOING TO BREAK SOMETHING!
Back with Kimora, she says that rhinestones are meant for poor girls in denial and want to look good.
“Poor people are ugly.”
This is one step away from Serena ChaCha calling everyone during Untucked “ghetto”.
Shortly before Coco murdered Serena.
The next day comes, and we get our typical “character moments before the runway to help flesh these Queens out” moments.
Peppermint talks about getting beat up in high school for being a cheerleader and admitting she was attracted to men.
Sad, but not sad enough. Can we get more tragedy?
Cancer! Thank you, Cynthia!
No, seriously, though, it’s sad to hear that shortly after she was eliminated, Cynthia fought cancer and still continues to do so. I may find Cynthia a bit overhyped, but I appreciate her keeping positive through such an ordeal.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT SAD MOMENTS IT’S MAIN STAGE TIME!
This week is the White party runway, and…
Oh… so you decided not to wear white, RuPaul?
Michelle, thankfully, picks up the slack, and frankly looks great, even if she looks like she drains souls from the innocent for a living.
Even without Kudrow, the B-52s were a great get as guest judges.
And last but not least is Ross Matthews, who for some reason is hanging out in RuPaul’s magical green screen room.
“Help me out! I’m lost!”
Anyway, time for the cheer routine.
Jaymes being a beat behind everyone else.
Eureka standing out for being a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier.
(I can relate.)
Valentina mugging it all for the camera.
Farrah Moan being completely over this shit.
Jaymes falling down, taking her default stance.
And Trinity being lifted to scare everyone in the stands.
Meh, still better than Bring it On Two. Or Three. Or Four. Or-THERE’S FIVE BRING IT ON MOVIES!?
MAIN STAGE TIME!
I can’t even focus on her outfit because Nina Bo’nina Banana Fofana Zahara Benet Brown’s hip pads and enormous.
I’m worried Shea’s hair getting stuck in that masking tape dress.
Charlie looks like an old, evil ice bitch. And I love it.
Sasha has wigs! We can confirm Sasha won’t be bald the whole season!
When you forget to do your lips.
I actually dig this winter time belle look.
And yet when I wear an outfit to show off my side ass I get arrested.
No joke, I haven’t been this amazed by a look in years. Way to show the fuck up, Valentina!
Tasha after stealing Geordi’s visor.
Um… Kimora knows that this is the white party, right?
I like the outfit fine. I’m more just laughing at Peppermint’s face.
How much tape is keeping those things in place?
After deliberation, it’s decided that the winner of the challenge is Valentina.
Because no fucking duh.
And we learn that the bottom two are, as we expected, Jaymes and Kimora.
Yes, thank you, Nina.
Naturally, they do a B-52’s song. Unlike in All Stars 2, they can get guest judges who have released songs people actually know of.
Sadly, the lip sync if less than impressive.
Both RuPaul’s and my face.
And in the end, sadly, Jaymes is told to go home.
And somehow this survives.
Thank you Jaymes. Any last thoughts?
*still internally screaming*
I thought so.
Next Time on RuPaul’s Drag Race:
Kimora will call someone ghetto!
Cynthia will briefly mention her ass, but only once!
Charlie will die!
All this, and more, next time!