RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 9 Episode 3 Recap

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The Queens return from the main stage after Jaymes’s elimination.

Hopefully the Queens will have tons of nice things to say about Jaymes now that she’s gone.

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“She was just so quiet and nervous.”

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“She always came off like she was unprepared.”

Oh…

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Well hopefully Kimora will have something nice to say.

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 “If I’m like a 10, then Jaymes is, like, a 1.”

You can say this about Kimora, she’s consistent.

After that bit of awkwardness, Peppermint and the other Queens congratulate Valentina on her win.

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“It’s super great you won.”

Meanwhile, in confessional.

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“That bitch better watch out, It’s my turn to win!”

At least she’s keeping the cutthroat comments in confessionals.

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The next day comes, and the Queens gather to theorize what the next challenge could be.

When suddenly…

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“SHE DUMB ALLREDY DEN HEAD HURS!”

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Green Screen RuPaul™ tells the Queens to be like fairy tale princesses, and not like evil queens.

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Because the role of Evil Queen is already taken.


By the way, Nina Bonina Banana Fofana Akashia Sotomayor Brown is wearing a Trixie shirt.

Past Contestant Swag Count: 2


Before explaining the challenge, RuPaul asks the girls how they like the mannequin of her that’s displayed in the workroom.

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Um… it’s fucking terrifying, Ru.

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“Who knows. There might be a camera in there watching all of you.”

Well, considering they are on a reality show, with cameras and producers everywhere prodding them to talk about someone’s dead mom, that isn’t as scary as I think you intended it to be.

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RuPaul explains the challenge to the Queens, that they will have to create and dress up as their own princess, give her a backstory, and create a sidekick.

Oh, and they will have to play the sidekick. Because that surely won’t be terrifying.

This, meanwhile, is much scarier than I think you intended it to be.

Doesn’t this challenge sound fun?

“Where do they come up with these challenges?”

So the Queens start working on their costumes. And since this is a sewing challenge, you know what that means.

“I can’t sew.”

Ah yes, the yearly routine where a Queen reveals she can’t sew, and so will produce a terrible outfit, despite the fact you don’t need to be a great seamstress to make a great outfit.

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Exhibit A

Still, Farrah is naturally concerned about what she’ll be able in the challenge.

“I think I’ll try to do an aquatic theme.”


“You know that me and a bunch of other Queens are doing that too, right”


“Great…”

I mean, seriously, what kind of idiot goes on Drag Race without some kind of basic dress making skills?

“I’ve never made an outfit before.”

Im shocked.

“Would Kim K. make her own outfits?”

Nothing better than saying you’re as talented as a Kardashian. I mean, seriously, Kimora, what’s your excuse?

“This isn’t RuPaul’s Sweat Shop Race.”

Sadly not as catchy as calling it RuPaul’s Best Friend Race.

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Meanwhile, Eureka is telling the other Queens about her princess character: a sewer princess who was cast out and now lives her life in total filth.

It’s met with much acclaim.

After this, the Queens are then show putting their character together.

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Thankfully, the script is like a giant Mad Lib, and all they have to do is fill in the appropriate words. Seriously, there’s no way any of them can mess this up.

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“What’s an adjective?”

Are you kidding me?

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Wait… hold on… she might get it.

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“No… that’s a noun.”

Mother of fucking god.

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“It’s a word that describes a noun.”

Thank you, person whose first language isn’t English.

After that stunning display of the American school system, RuPaul comes down to talk to the Queens about their looks.

Which is helpful for the audience because she only ever is seen talking to those that will be on the bottom or top.

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First is Farrah. No guesses if she’ll be a top or a bottom.

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“So what exactly are you planning?”

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Internally: “My own escape.”

After Farrah, Ru moves on to Aja, who she notes should do well in this challenge because she actually knows how to sew.

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“Why would you come on this show if you didn’t know how to make an outfit”

Remember this.

After Aja, Ru goes over to Valentina.

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Who’s giving you I-Just-Killed-My-Husband-And-Am-Fleeing-The-Country Realness.

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Naturally, because anyone would, Ru asks what the sunglasses are really for. And as it turns out, Valentina has shaved off half her eyebrows.

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“….well I hope this works out for you.”

Last she talks to Trinity, where they have an in-depth and serious discussion about chocolate starfish.

Once again, Emmy-award winning host.

After RuPaul leaves, we get more serious, heart to heart talk between the Queens about their struggles in life.

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“So what, exactly, is the cucu?”

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“Well, it could be the butt, or it could be the butthole, or it could be…”

I left the rest of this discussion out for your sanity.

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More seriously, though, someone asks Trinity about her dealing with Pulse, and we learn that both her and Cynthia lost friends during the shooting.

I don’t know what to say, other than I am sincerely glad they talked about this, and the fact that it was specifically targeting queer people of color. I give Drag Race a lot of crap, but I appreciate them for taking the time to discuss this, because it deserves to be discussed.

But as the Queens say, we must move on, and….

RUNWAY TIME!!!

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Finally dressing to fit the theme of her own god damn show, RuPaul comes out as a fairy god mother.

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And even more appropriately, Visage comes out as the wicked step-mom

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Carson is here, sporting a look that screams, “The 80’s just barfed all over me and I didn’t have time to change.”

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Someone should tell Todrick Hall that the contestants are the ones that wear the tacky outfits.

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I haven’t seen Hotel or Roanoke to know who Cheyenne Jackson was off the top of my head, all I know is that he’s amazingly hot.

Alright, now for the nightmare-inducing runway to begin!

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First is Cynthia and… I’m sorry, no, it will not look an less scary than this.

Anyway, first is Cynthia who has named herself “Cuculina”, a name I can definitely say she literally pulled out of her ass.

And the bunny looks like it was the same.

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Peppermint and her talking ball of fire look more like the villains than the princess and her sidekick. I hope this isn’t a trend that continues.

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Out comes Farrah and her blow fish. Get it, because it blows.

Get it?

GET IT!?

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Charlie looks more like a fairy god mother than Ru does.

Non-princess count: 2

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Sorry, make that 3.

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Nope, now 4

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To Kimora’s credit, she looks like a princess. To her discredit, the outfit is lazy.

And for some reason she doesn’t blink while playing her monkey, which is all the more unsettling.

We’re half way through the runway, how is everyone feeling?

 Great!

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I’m almost certain Nina Bonina Banana Fofana Ongina Shannel Glasscock Brown just painted her peach from episode one silver.

Oh, and her sidekick is marginally less terrifying.

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Marginally.

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Props to Sasha, she actually looks like a princess. And by that, I mean The Princess.

Oh, and here’s her sidekick.

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So far one of the best make-up jobs of the night.

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Shea and her sidekick are from the planet Uranus, which is amazing, because I didn’t think there would be a more obvious, tired joke than Farrah and her blow fish, but I was wrong.

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HEY! HEY! HEY! LISTEN! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN!

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I don’t know what Aja was going for, but this doesn’t look like a volcano.

It’s amazing she got a fart cloud to achieve sentience, though.

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Not a chocolate starfish, 0/10

After that hellish runway that will never be used again (I hope), the judges deliberate.

Trinity is chosen as the winner.

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Because sure.

And Kimora and Aja are in the bottom 2.

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During her deliberation, Kimora admits something personal. She feels uncomfortable on the runway because she made a huge sacrifice. She’s not… wearing hip pads.

And naturally, the judges are as sympathetic as me.

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“My god, what a sacrifice!”

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“Can you be alive and still be called a saint?”

After that wonderful moment of shade, it’s time for the lip sync.

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In the “wait, they haven’t done this song yet” category, Holding Out for a Hero should make for a great lip sync.

I say should, because apparently Kimora pays other people to lip sync for her as well.

Needless to say, Aja mops the floor with Kimora, who falls down twice in the most unflattering way she can.

And of course, Kimora is sent home. Any final words, Miss Kimora Lee Kardashian?

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“Being talented is for poor people.”

Next time on RuPaul’s Drag Race:

Charlie might actually get some air time!

Farrah will escape the show!

Aja’s make-up will be ugly!

All this, and more, next time!

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